Sunday, September 30, 2012

Trapped In This Body

Depression has taken a hold of me. Anxiety rattles me to the core. Pain has a grasp on every fiber of my being. I exist only through pain. Pain has become me, I have become pain.

As I sit here writing this, I am so much pain! I can only describe it as EVERYWHERE!!! From the top of my head, to my toes are in agony. I'm on the brink of crying (I've already succumbed to that earlier) I try to distract myself with Facebook, or talking to my Hubby. But it's still there, seething, gnawing & tearing me apart.

There's nothing I can take or do to make it go away. Pain meds don't work, they only leave me constipated. (Too much info?!) I can't focus on anything, it's hard to read, crochet, or even jumble these sentences along. That's why I like Facebook... Mindless fun, support & well there isn't really all that much to focus on besides what people write. Short little diddys I can comprehend...

All I want is for the pain to die a horrible death! Die & leave me alone!! I've suffered long enough. I want you gone. I have become a shell of my former self. A fake smile plastered to my face, a fake laugh. While all I do inside is cry, weep, scream & resent these pain demons that have taken ahold of me.

I have Hope still, that's all that's keeping me going. I'm going to see a Pain Management Specialist in less than a month. I have no false hope though. I've been through that. So, sad to say I'm going to that appointment with the end results already in mind. "I can't help you. Have you seen this Doctor?"

All I can Hope for is that SOMEONE has help for me. Until that day happens, I'm trapped in this living hell. Surviving each day, only to face yet another day. Whatever that day will bring, I don't know. That's my sad, strange enjoyment. My little personal thrill ride...

*Hugs*
K8 =\

2 comments:

Julie Schreiber said...

I am so sorry you are in such agony. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that this appointment comming up with be the breakthrough your hoping for. Until then I know it's so difficult and the pain is horrible, but try to keep up on your rest and take your meds and hang in there. Prayers and hugs to you. Julie

Kate Chappell said...

Thank you so very much Julie!! <3 ★Hugs★